Clarkson’s Farm, Amazon Prime Video

What do you call a Sєxually rapacious pig that bullies females into submission? Harvey Swinestein…

More politically incorrect and sweary than ever, Clarkson’s Farm returns to Amazon Prime tomorrow, packed with jokes that could never be aired on the BBC.

There’s nothing subtle about the show’s hit formula – as though its star has taken a clutch of his classic Top Gear episodes and dipped them liberally in slurry. Pungent, crude and raucous, it’s all good dirty fun.

Jeremy Clarkson is his usual rambunctious self, name-dropping rockstar friends and A-list actors. 

‘Woody Harrelson gave me this cap last Saturday night,’ he brags. 

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More politically incorrect and sweary than ever, Clarkson’s Farm returns to Amazon Prime tomorrow, packed with jokes that could never be aired on the BBC 

Jeremy Clarkson (right) is his usual rambunctious self, name-dropping rockstar friends and A-list actors

So far, he hasn’t mentioned his great chum Camilla, but previews were available for only the first half of the series so there’s plenty of time yet.

What’s missing from much of it, though, is 25-year-old Kaleb Cooper, the no-nonsense farm hand whose cheerful contempt for all Clarkson’s agricultural efforts have made him a celebrity in his own right.

Read MoreBREAKING NEWS Jeremy Clarkson’s stunning new farmhand is REVEALED – after Kaleb Cooper’s shock replacement

The young farmer is such a star that, as his boss struggled with mucking out the cows and manoeuvring a fork lift, Kaleb was on a theatre tour – doing ‘personal appearances’ and bellowing out numbers such as I’ve Got A Brand New Combine Harvester. And they say the music hall is ᴅᴇᴀᴅ.

In Kaleb’s absence, a subsтιтute was drafted in: 24-year-old Harriet Cowan, who grew up on her family’s farm in Derbyshire. 

Clarkson’s draconian PR people, Freud’s, insist that until the series is released tomorrow [FRIDAY], we must ‘minimise detailed discussions about Harriet and her role.’ 

Suffice it to say for now that she manages to highlight Jeremy’s incompetence at every step.

That’s not difficult, since he glories in his cock-ups. Trying to teach his labrador Sansa to sit, he was left doubled over by two flying paws in a sensitive area. 

And attempting to plant willow wands in a marshy field, he managed to get the entire camera team stuck.

What’s missing from much of it, though, is 25-year-old Kaleb Cooper (pictured), the no-nonsense farm hand whose cheerful contempt for all Clarkson’s agricultural efforts have made him a celebrity in his own right

In Kaleb’s absence, a subsтιтute was drafted in: 24-year-old Harriet Cowan, who grew up on her family’s farm in Derbyshire

Clarkson’s draconian PR people, Freud’s, insist that until the series is released tomorrow [FRIDAY], we must ‘minimise detailed discussions about Harriet and her role.’

When things go really wrong, he’s started giving a pained look straight to camera, like Oliver Hardy.

And the similarities don’t end there – Clarkson is the tubbiest he’s ever been. Back in the days when he used to squeeze into supercars, he could look like three scoops of ice cream in an eggcup. 

Read More Future of Clarkson’s Farm is revealed as star Jeremy shares harrowing details about health scare

Now, he struggles to get into his Lamborghini tractor… and has even more difficulty getting out.

George Wendt, the rotund actor who played Norm in Cheers and who died this week aged 76, used to say that when he walked, ‘all four cheeks and both chins are shaking’. Clarkson makes Norm look like an advert for Ozempic.

After filming on this series ended last year, he suffered serious chest pains and breathlessness while on holiday in the Seychelles. 

Weeks later, he underwent an emergency heart op, with two stents inserted into major arteries. 

By the look of him in some sH๏τs, sweaty and labouring at the least exertion, the surgery came not a moment too soon.

And the similarities don’t end there – Clarkson is the tubbiest he’s ever been. Back in the days when he used to squeeze into supercars, he could look like three scoops of ice cream in an eggcup

Now, he struggles to get into his Lamborghini tractor… and has even more difficulty getting out

The same can be said for the return of Kaleb in episode three. Clarkson’s personality is so dominant that, without a counterweight, it risks overbalancing the show.

Clarkson’s girlfriend Lisa Hogan does her best to cut him to size. ‘Don’t **** things up,’ she warns him repeatedly, and flicks her middle finger at him. 

He responds by dismissing her as a ‘thin blonde Oxfordshire woman’, though only when she’s out of earsH๏τ.

But when he’s on a rant or showboating, she’s got as much chance of stopping him as halting a runaway tractor. 

It takes Kaleb, with his complete lack of respect for his boss’s bombast, to anchor the show.

When Clarkson is hooting about his Harvey Swinestein gag, Kaleb affects not to know what he’s talking about. ‘Is he a scientist?’ he guesses.

He’s never heard of Apollo 11 or astronaut Neil Armstrong either. But he is peerlessly capable at every practical task. 

Arms folded in sadistic glee, he watches his employer trying haplessly to reverse a trailer full of pigs up a ramp. 

Clarkson’s personality is so dominant that, without a counterweight, it risks overbalancing the show

It takes Kaleb, with his complete lack of respect for his boss’s bombast, to anchor the show

When Clarkson is hooting about his Harvey Swinestein gag, Kaleb affects not to know what he’s talking about. ‘Is he a scientist?’ he guesses

Then, with nonchalant ease, he climbs into the driver’s seat and gets it right first time.

Unless you share Kaleb’s fascination with obscure and hugely expensive farming equipment, some segments do drag a bit.

Especially dull is a contest involving eight tractors to discover which can extend its tow-hook fastest. It’s a far cry from racing Ferraris around Silverstone.

But the show has lost none of its genuine reverence for the British countryside. 

Clarkson is entranced to see red kites descend on a freshly ploughed field, scavenging for earthworms.

And over a pint in his local, as he plots a way to buy his own pub, he laments the demise of the village inn.

Around 40 per cent of UK pubs have closed this century, and as they die off so do entire communities.

‘Loneliness is becoming a big issue in rural areas,’ he muses, ‘and part of the problem is villages are kind of losing their souls.

Unless you share Kaleb’s fascination with obscure and hugely expensive farming equipment, some segments do drag a bit

You don’t have a village doctor anymore, he’s in a health centre 30 miles away and you can’t get an appointment.

‘There’s no village bobby on the beat. There’s no village vicar. There’s no village shop. There’s no village school. And if we end up at a point where there’s no village pub, what is a village? It’s just some houses.’

Politically incorrect or not, he’s right about that.

Clarkson’s Farm is available to stream on Prime Video.